Exclusive: Neiman Marcus to file for bankruptcy as soon as this week - sources
Neiman Marcus Group is preparing to seek bankruptcy protection as soon as this week, becoming the first major U.S. department store operator to succumb to the economic fallout from the coronavirus outbreak, people familiar with the matter said
The debt-laden Dallas-based company has been left with few options after the pandemic forced it to temporarily shut all 43 of its Neiman Marcus locations, roughly two dozen Last Call stores and its two Bergdorf Goodman stores in New York.
Neiman Marcus is in the final stages of negotiating a loan with its creditors totaling hundreds of millions of dollars, which would sustain some of its operations during bankruptcy proceedings, according to the sources. It has also furloughed many of its roughly 14,000 employees.
The bankruptcy filing could come within days, though the timing could slip, the sources said. Neiman Marcus skipped millions of dollars in debt payments last week, including one that only gave the company a few days to avoid a default.
Neiman Marcus’ borrowings total about $4.8 billion, according to credit ratings firm Standard & Poor’s. Some of this debt is the legacy of its $6 billion leveraged buyout in 2013 by its owners, private equity firm Ares Management Corp and Canada Pension Plan Investment Board (CPPIB).
The sources requested anonymity because the bankruptcy preparations are confidential. Neiman Marcus and Ares declined to comment, while CPPIB representatives did not immediately respond to requests for comment.
Other department store operators that have also had to close their stores are battling to avoid Neiman Marcus’ fate. Macy’s Inc and Nordstrom Inc have been rushing to secure new financing, such as by borrowing against some of their real estate. J.C. Penney Co Inc is contemplating a bankruptcy filing as a way to rework its unsustainable finances and save money on looming debt payments, Reuters reported last week.
A bankruptcy filing would be a grim milestone that Neiman Marcus has spent the last few years trying to avoid. It pushed out due dates on its financial obligations last year in a restructuring deal with some creditors, though the transactions added to Neiman Marcus’ interest expenses.
A trustee for some of the company’s bondholders sued Neiman Marcus last year, claiming the firm and its owners robbed investors of the value of its luxury e-commerce site MyTheresa by moving the business beyond the reach of creditors in a corporate reshuffling. Neiman maintains its actions were proper.
“In light of the significant headwinds stemming from the coronavirus pandemic and our expectation for a U.S. recession this year, we believe the company’s prospects for a turnaround are increasingly low,” Standard & Poor’s analysts wrote in a note last week.
“We continue to view its capital structure as unsustainable,” the analysts added, lowering their credit rating on Neiman Marcus deep into “junk” territory. They said the move reflected the “elevated potential” of a debt restructuring.
Once it files for bankruptcy, Neiman Marcus could attract interest from potential suitors seeking to pick up the company or some of its assets on the cheap, the sources said.
Saks Fifth Avenue owner Hudson’s Bay Co explored a bid for Neiman Marcus in 2017 but did not pursue it, people familiar with the matter said at the time. The Canadian company was taken private earlier this year by a group of shareholders led by its chief executive Richard Baker, and it is unclear if it remains interested or would be in a position to pursue a new bid.
A Hudson’s Bay representative did not immediately return a request for comment.
FROM FASHION FIXTURE TO BRINK OF BANKRUPTCY
The first Neiman Marcus store opened in Dallas, Texas, in 1907. It was opened by the Marcus and Neiman families, which decided to pursue the retail venture after considering and rejecting an investment in a little-known soft drink at the time called Coca-Cola, according to Neiman Marcus’ website.
The company expanded across the United States and in 1972 it acquired New York City’s Bergdorf Goodman, itself founded in the early 1900s, becoming a fashion fixture for celebrities and wealthy customers seeking expensive handbags and clothing.
Like other brick-and-mortar department store operators, Neiman Marcus struggled in recent years to compete with discount retail chains and a consumer shift to online shopping. Luxury e-commerce firms such as Yoox Net-A-Porter Group (YNAP) and Farfetch Ltd have added to the competitive pressure facing Neiman Marcus.
The coronavirus outbreak has pushed the company to the brink. While it has asked some workers back to closed stores to fulfill online orders, these operations cannot make up for lost sales in physical stores.
reuters
After 3 botched Amber Alerts, Utah to stop sending wireless notifications until system fix
After a system glitches caused at least three botched Amber Alerts in the past months, the Utah Department of Public Safety will no longer use the Wireless Emergency Alert System for the alerts, at least for the time being.
The department made the announcement on Sunday after many Utahns expressed confusion and frustration about an early morning alert that contained no information. The alert came in connection with a South Salt Lake kidnapping case, and the abducted child was located a few hours after the alert.
"The alert, which was sent statewide as a Wireless Emergency Alert (WEA) at 3:33 a.m., mistakenly included no useful information," DPS stated in a news release.
"We recognize that this has happened with AMBER Alerts in September and in November. Over the past several months, we have been working to improve AMBER Alert notifications."
DPS Commissioner Jess Anderson publicly apologized for Sunday morning's alert.
"The Wireless Emergency Alert system can be very useful, however, not when there isn’t any information attached," he wrote. "Therefore, I apologize and have put a moratorium on the AMBER use until further notice."
Discontinuing the system's use for Amber Alerts doesn't mean it will not longer be used. The system will still be available for evacuation orders, hazardous materials warnings, or other civil emergency messages, according to DPS.
DPS identified at least three problems with the system and process for Amber Alerts that need to be resolved:
Problem: "When the information was sent, the software didn’t include the WEA message, just a message header. Because we can’t test WEAs in a demonstration mode, we didn’t see this issue until now."
Solution: "The code for these alerts has been updated to ensure both the header and the message are sent in the future."
Problem: "Some phones received the alert multiple times."
Justification: "This is something that happens with these types of alerts and we have no control over it."
Problem: "We recognize that a cell phone alert at 3:33 a.m. has little chance of alerting the public to be on the lookout for a missing child."
Solution: "We are turning off the Wireless Emergency Alert for AMBER Alerts until a complete review of the system and its history in Utah."
"This was the first AMBER Alert since our efforts to fix past problems," DPS stated.
Even though wireless alerts haven't worked well in the past, DPS identified some changes that are working well, according to the department:
The website alert.utah.gov displays information about the Amber Alert suspect(s) and victim(s), as long as the alert is active. The site worked as it was supposed to through the course of Sunday's alert, according to DPS.
Amber Alert information is automatically sent to news media so they can publish it quickly, which was also done on Sunday.
Alerting software automatically tweets information and a link from both the Utah DPS and Utah Division of Emergency Management Twitter accounts. (You can find those here and here.) A tweet is also sent automatically when the alert is canceled.
"The Department of Public Safety will continue to review policies and procedures," according to the news release.
"We will work to complete more offline testing of the system until we can have perfect confidence in the system. Until that time, we will continue only sending AMBER Alerts directly to the news media, to social media and to alert.utah.gov."
kutv
Rachel McAdams makes rare comment about how she's raising her 2-year-old son
The star is famously protective of her son's privacy and rarely mentions him
For the first time in months, Rachel McAdams is giving fans a peek into her private life as a mom of one.
On Thursday, the actress joined the virtual event "Heroes of Health: COVID-19 Stream-a-thon" hosted by a charity in her hometown of London, Canada. McAdams, whose mother worked as a nurse for 38 years, made a $10,000 contribution to help local health care workers fighting the coronavirus pandemic.
During the appearance, the "Spotlight" star, who's famously private about her personal life, talked about her time in quarantine. Even more surprising, she specifically addressed her 2-year-old son, whom she shares with boyfriend Jamie Linden and whose name has never been publicly released.
"I have a very welcome distraction in my son, who is 2," said McAdams, when asked how she's passing her days. "That's pretty much what I do all the time."
"He's so entertaining," the 41-year-old continued. "I thought, 'Would I rather be alone in quarantine or with my family?' There are days, sure, but I would be so bored without him around to make it so fun."
McAdams also shared that she's getting outdoors with her family whenever possible.
"We live in the country, so there's a little farm down the road," she said. "We can go and look at the animals."
She's been gardening, too, and her toddler helps out in the best way he knows how.
"We've been doing some planting, some okra. Well, I do the planting and he eats snacks, mostly," she laughed.
During the stream-a-thon, McAdams also discussed her role in the 2004 movie "Mean Girls," where she played Regina George, queen of the popular high schoolers. She said she was thrilled that the flick, which led to a Broadway musical, made such a lasting impression.
"Let's hope 'Mean Girls' has helped girls to be nicer to each other, not the other way around," she quipped. "It's really bizarre. I feel so lucky to be part of something that has stuck around, even a little bit. That's not something I ever imagined happening in life."
When asked which of her many film roles she'd like to reprise, McAdams said she would like to see what George is up to now.
“It would be fun to play Regina George later in her life and see where life took her," she said.
Back in December 2018, about six months after McAdams gave birth, fans got an initial glimpse into her life as a new mom. She did a magazine photo shoot and sported high fashion and a breast pump in one of the pictures.
The star first opened up about motherhood a few weeks beforehand in U.K. paper "The Sunday Times."
"I want to keep his life private, even if mine isn't," she explained. "But I'm having more fun being a mum than I've ever had. Everything about it is interesting and exciting and inspiring to me. Even the tough days — there’s something delightful about them."
today.
Randy Newman has a message: "Stay Away"
Randy Newman has plenty of friends, but of course he can't get together with any of them these days. The Oscar-winning singer-songwriter and his wife, Gretchen Preece, are stuck at home, just the two of them.
He told correspondent John Blackstone, "During this, I volunteered. I said, 'Well, look, tell me something to do that I can help you to do.' And she said, 'What do you know how to do? What is there? How could you help me?' Vacuum? I said, 'I could vacuum.' And she says, 'No, I don't think you could.' So, I feel bad. I'm doing nothing!"
"Well, he does what he does so well," Preece said. "It's okay. I'll do the cleaning and cooking, and you write songs."
"And I'll play the piano while she works!" he laughed.
Blackstone asked, "He works at home a lot. How is this different?"
"It's different because I don't get to leave!" Preece laughed. "But you know, we're doing all right. You know, we've been together a long time. So, it's something we can handle, day in, day out, 24 hours a day, seven days a week!"
"Relentless, yeah!" Newman chuckled.
Blackstone asked, "Does he still disappear into his room with the piano to compose for hours at a time?"
"He disappears into that room; I'm not certain he's composing," she replied.
"Sometimes," he grudgingly admitted.
Newman's most recent composition began as a simple coronavirus safety message for a Los Angeles public radio station, but it grew into a song: "I had an idea because I knew it had to say, 'Stay away from me.' And I sort of had that idea before I sat down."
By the time he had finished, it had also become a love song, dedicated to Gretchen, and to surviving the lockdown together:
Stay away from me
Baby, keep your distance, please
Stay away from me
Words of love in times like these
I'm gonna be with you 24 hours a day
A lot of people couldn't stand that
But you can
You'll be with me 24 hours a day
What a lucky man I am
Preece made the first recording of "Stay Away" on her phone: "When he said, 'I had written a song for you, it's a love song,' I thought, 'No, unh-uh. There's gonna be something not right about it," she laughed. "And it's beautiful! I have to say it's beautiful. But then there's the thing about my friends being stupid ..."
Venus in sweatpants
That's who you are
And when this mess is over
I'll buy you a car
We'll drive that car
So fast and so far
All your stupid friends
Will be left behind
"And I thought, 'How am I gonna explain to my friends?' You know, but they know him. And they know that's not him. And of course, none of them are stupid."
"Anything for a laugh," said Newman.
Randy Newman performs "Stay Away":
Probably Newman's best-known love song is the one he wrote to Los Angeles, "I Love L.A."
"L.A. is a much, much different city right now; do you see it at all?" Blackstone asked.
"No. I mean, we're in. We're just here. I don't see it. I'd love to see it now in a different way like that. It'd be kind of stunning. When you've been looking at 60 years of looking at Sunset Boulevard or Olympic Boulevard busy, it'd be nice to see it with nobody. Yeah, wow."
Newman's coronavirus song warning people to stay away is now available for download.
"The proceeds go to the Ellis Marsalis Center in the ninth ward of New Orleans, for music for children in the ninth ward. And I'm glad for that." he said.
Newman can be generous with a compliment as well, as he told Blackstone: "You know, watching you this way, close up, you know, and there we are, I really have a new appreciation for how difficult it is to interview someone! I tell you, I couldn't do it, at all. There's not a chance."
"Well, I can assure you," said Blackstone, "I couldn't write a note of music."
"Well, that's why we're such a good couple," Newman laughed.
cbsnews
This Bicycle Day, Celebrate Albert Hofmann’s Psychedelic Discovery
On the afternoon of April 19th, 1943, the Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann dropped acid, and rode his bike home. Hofmann, who worked in the pharmaceutical department of Sandoz Laboratories in Basel, had first synthesized LSD in 1938 while trying to create a stimulant to treat respiratory and circulatory problems. He had no idea the compound had psychedelic effects, and it yielded no visible results when tested on sedated animals, so he set it aside.
Five years later, Hofmann decided to revisit his creation. On April 16th, 1943, he synthesized another batch of LSD. This time, he accidentally absorbed a tiny amount into his skin, and sank into “a not unpleasant intoxicated-like condition, characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination.” He decided to experiment on himself with an intentional dose to confirm the compound’s effects, and at 4:20pm on April 19th, he ingested 250 micrograms of the chemical. He soon realized that the trip was going to be intense, and asked his assistant to help him get home. Wartime restrictions prohibited cars on the streets of Basel, so they had to bike — which is why April 19th is now known around the world as Bicycle Day.
With that infamous trippy ride, Hofmann became the scientist-godfather of psychedelics, a term coined by psychiatrist Humphry Osmond based on the Greek words for “mind-revealing”. Journalist John Horgan wrote for Scientific American that Hofmann believed when properly used, psychedelics could stimulate the “inborn faculty of visionary experience” that we all possess as children, and lose as we grow up.
Hofmann had a complex relationship with the field he helped create, dubbing LSD his “problem child” in the book he wrote about his contributions to psychedelic chemistry. He also studied magic mushrooms, and was the first to isolate, synthesize, and name the psychedelic compounds psilocybin and psilocin. He told Horgan about a psilocybin trip he’d taken during which he ended up in a ghost town deep inside the earth. “Nobody was there,” Hofmann said. “I had the feeling of absolute loneliness, absolute loneliness. A terrible feeling!” When he came back to this plane and found himself with friends again, Hofmann felt ecstatic. He told Horgan, in his heavy Swiss accent, “I had feeling of being reborn! To see now again! And see what wonderful life we have here!”
The quest to feel reborn is especially compelling in the era of COVID-19 and self-isolation. The psychedelics journal DoubleBlind recently published an article on using quarantine as a time for inner exploration and self-renewal. DoubleBlind co-founder Madison Margolin says that, in an alternate COVID-less universe, she’d be observing Bicycle Day at a psychedelic seder. “We were planning to partner with Disco Dining Club to celebrate both Bicycle Day and Passover.” Instead, Margolin says, DoubleBlind is co-hosting a free online festival with SPORE (the Society for Psychedelic Outreach, Reform, and Education) on April 19th to support coronavirus aid efforts, “celebrating reciprocity and our connection with Earth and each other,” starting at 8:45 a.m. PST.
Margolin has some concerns about new commercial ventures entering the psychedelic space, she says, as we experience a “psychedelic renaissance.” For years, nonprofits like the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) and the Chacruna Institute for Plant Medicine have stressed research and education for people to benefit from psychedelics. But more recently, Silicon Valley billionaires have been examining the profitability of the industry, neuro-pharmaceutical corporations are developing commercial psychedelic compounds, and the Wall Street Journal is covering psychedelic startups.
“It’s naturally going to happen with any new, hot industry,” Margolin says. She’s hopeful, however, that as psychedelics are decriminalized on the local level, and clinical research and medical development continue to progress, that newcomers to the space will honor the spiritual aspects of the movement. “A handful of companies are looking to base synthetic medicines off of psychedelics, whilst removing the ‘trip’ aspect from the experience,” says Margolin. “However, many psychonauts believe that the journey is the medicine.”
That was Albert Hofmann’s experience of LSD. On his 100th birthday in 2006, at an international symposium in Basel, he gave a speech in which he declared, “It gave me an inner joy, an open-mindedness, a gratefulness, open eyes and an internal sensitivity for the miracles of creation…. I think that in human evolution it has never been as necessary to have this substance, LSD. It is just a tool to turn us into what we are supposed to be.”
rollingstone
Michelle Obama Will Read Popular Kids’ Picture Books in Free Live-Streaming Series
Michelle Obama is cracking open some of her favorite children’s picture books — which the former First Lady will read aloud in free live-streams over the next four weeks for kids stuck at home.
In “Mondays With Michelle Obama,” she’ll read aloud from a different classic children’s book every Monday at noon ET, starting April 20 and running through May 11. The project is a collaboration among Obama, Penguin Young Readers, Random House Children’s Books, and PBS Kids.
Each of Michelle Obama’s reading will be live-streamed simultaneously on PBS Kids’ Facebook page and YouTube channel, and on Penguin Random House’s Facebook page. The videos will remain available for on-demand viewing on each platform afterward.
The four books Obama is reading are: “The Gruffalo” (April 20), written by Julia Donaldson and illustrated by Axel Scheffler; “There’s a Dragon in Your Book” (April 27), written by Tom Fletcher and illustrated by Greg Abbott; “Miss Maple’s Seeds” (May 4), story and pictures by Eliza Wheeler; and Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”
“As a little kid, I loved to read aloud,” Michelle Obama said in a statement. “And when I became a parent, I found such joy in sharing the magic of storytelling with my own children — and then later, as First Lady, with kids everywhere.”
She continued, “At this time when so many families are under so much stress, I’m excited to give kids a chance to practice their reading and hear some wonderful stories (and to give parents and caretakers a much-needed break).”
Penguin Random House also is making available a collection of activities and resources for each of the books that Obama will read at readtogetherbetogether.com, with companion literacy resources available at pbs.org/parents.
The publisher launched the “Read Together, Be Together” initiative last month in partnership with Meredith’s Parents magazine. Previous PBS Kids “Read-Alongs” have featured Brad Meltzer (“Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum”), Marc Brown (“Arthur”), Victoria Kann (“Pinkalicious & Peterrific”) and Angela Santomero (“Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood”).
Last year, Michelle Obama was featured in YouTube’s “BookTube” original special in which she discussed her memoir “Becoming” with a panel of popular YouTube creators.
variety.
3 teams that should pursue a trade for Jaguars RB Leonard Fournette
The Jacksonville Jaguars have been cleaning house. That much was made 100% clear during the 2019 season when they traded away superstar cornerback Jalen Ramsey to the Los Angeles Rams for a haul of draft picks. It didn’t stop there though. They have cut ties with a few bigger names and more could follow, including Leonard Fournette.
Yannick Ngakoue is probably the one with the most speculation surrounding him. However, he isn’t the only one. Another star being mentioned in trade discussions is Fournette.
The running back has had some injury and consistency issues early in his career. He’s still an elite-type talent who has shown just how good he can be a number of times.
It appears Jacksonville is ready to move in a different direction though. And with that in mind, what teams should go after the running back?
Here are three teams that should consider pursuing a trade with Jacksonville for Leonard Fournette.
3. Detroit Lions
Honestly, this one was probably the easiest choice for me. The Detroit Lions need a running back.
Bo Scarbrough showed some promise last year, but not enough to convince anyone that he’s the answer.
Meanwhile, Kerryon Johnson had a very disappointing follow up to his rookie year.
Fournette is still just 25, and his 4.3 yards per carry was better than either Scarbrough and Johnson. Meanwhile, his 1,152 rushing yards was more than Johnson, Scarbrough and Ty Johnson (1,053 combined).
The argument against the Lions might be that they went 3-12-1 in 2019. So why would they trade for a running back when they were so far from the playoffs?
Well, you can’t really look at the full season. What you have to do is look at the beginning of the season.
Through the first eight games, the Lions were 3-4-1. So what changed in the last eight games that made Detroit go winless? Matthew Stafford went down.
With Stafford at quarterback, Detroit is a totally different team. They were legitimately in the playoff hunt, and he was playing at an MVP type level.
Seriously, Stafford had 2,499 yards and 19 touchdowns compared to only five interceptions. And he did that in eight games.
Add a legitimate star running back to the offense and great things could happen. No reason Detroit couldn’t make a playoff push.
2. Los Angeles Rams
The Los Angeles Rams are pretty obvious too. They lost Todd Gurley this offseason. Not only that, but Brandin Cooks too.
This is a team that’s been depleted a little bit lately. They could make people forget about all of that by adding a star running back to the team though.
Darrell Henderson has nice potential, but he might not be ready yet. Leonard Fournette is on the last year of his rookie deal. Why not trade for him now and see if if he’s the right fit while he’s still pretty cheap?
Despite the struggles last year, Los Angeles can still be a serious contender. Adding Fournette makes that all the more obvious.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers already made a massive addition this offseason. Of course, we’re talking about the move they made at quarterback … re-signing Blaine Gabbert.
Seriously though, Tom Brady was a massive signing that immediately makes Tampa Bay a Super Bowl contender.
They have an elite passing game now. And Ronald Jones II is a really solid running back.
Imagine Fournette with Brady though. A true power back. Remember what LeGarrette Blount did with the New England Patriots when Brady was the quarterback?
Fournette is a much better all-around threat but still someone that can get those tough yards.
Adding him to that offense would push Tampa Bay from contenders to damn near favorites. Pull the trigger.
clutchpoints
How fighting coronavirus taught me about the gift of connection
It took a full two-week beating on my body. I went to some very dark places, especially at night. Evenings would bring on an eerie melancholy, which was particularly odd for me -- a glass-half-full/chemically blessed kind of gal.
But under the influence of coronavirus, as each day came to a close, I would often cry, unable to stave off the sense of dread and isolation I felt about what was to come.
Baldwin said the illness often brought her to tears. She took this photo to remember how bad she felt, physically and emotionally.
I was fighting constant body aches. In the evenings, I started a habit of climbing into the bathtub for 45 to 60 minutes just to try to use the hot water to distract my skin from the all-encompassing ache that would begin in my lower extremities -- the kind of ache that only two extra-strength Tylenol could eventually dull. Looking back, my sense of time feels warped and inexact. Some days crawled by tortuously slowly, while others disappeared unaccounted for in my memory, lost in the wash of emotion, sleep, and illness.
But what preceded this haze is still crystal clear in my memory. I remember how I felt when the pandemic was first taking hold of our country and my beloved adopted hometown of New York City. I had a job to do. As a journalist, my focus and sense of purpose are galvanized during times of duress. I felt a deep responsibility to tell the stories of this pandemic, to connect our CNN audience with the facts they needed, to show them the human faces enduring this crisis right along with them.
In the few days before I got sick, I interviewed former Vice President Joe Biden, who talked about the urgency of flattening the curve. I interviewed a woman named Michelle Bennett who had just said her last goodbyes via FaceTime to her Covid-stricken mother. And I spoke with a nurse at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, Emily Fawcett, who told me about the ways she and other nurses were buoying each others' spirits between grueling shifts helping patients fight the virus.
Even in my off hours, I started a series on my Instagram account ("Who's in your Corona Crew",) recognizing immediately that a crisis like this required me to shine a light on our interdependence and connection with one another.
Laid very low by the coronavirus, Baldwin naps with her dog Pugsley.
And then, I got sick and lost my ability to do my job. I was too sick to even continue the Instagram series from my bedroom. I was suddenly cut off from my purpose, and even isolated from my own husband, left to experience the virus firsthand all by myself. Like so many others.
My husband and I began sleeping in separate bedrooms and using separate bathrooms. He did his best to bring me soup, toast and tea, without making too much contact. The food didn't matter much to me because I couldn't taste or smell anything anyway.
Brooke Baldwin kept physical distance from her husband for the first couple of days.
I can remember the day before I lost my ability to taste or smell. I kept smelling the acrid ammonia-like odor of jewelry cleaner. Except there wasn't any jewelry cleaner in sight.
By the next morning -- wham -- I couldn't taste the salted butter on my toast, and couldn't catch a whiff of the peppermint in my tea. Along with my appetite, my energy was also zapped. I slept easily 10-12 hours at night, waking many mornings soaking wet having sweat through the sheets. A golf-ball sized gland swelling under my jaw became the daily sign that my body was fighting.
Over two weeks, the fever, chills, and aches would sometimes leave just long enough to fool me into thinking I was finally recovering. Then they would revisit me with a vengeance. I never knew when it would end. It was relentless, scary, and lonely.
On the darker days, I didn't want to talk to anyone. After days of trying to stay physically apart from my husband, it just became impossible. He hated to see me suffer and he couldn't not take care of me. He began to hold me in those darker moments and let me cry, whispering: "Everything's going to be all right."
These simple acts of connecting with me and hugging me were restorative beyond measure. The isolation might be worse than the body aches. I am endlessly grateful that I have a selfless husband who is also lucky enough to have remained well while I was ailing. Get him one of those antibody tests because so far <<knock on wood>> the man has yet to get sick.
Baldwin tried to eat when she had any appetite, but for days she could not taste this toast or anything else.
Today, I truly consider myself one of the lucky ones. My version of coronavirus did not take suffocating hold of my lungs the way it has with thousands of other patients, sending many of them to the ER. I never struggled to breathe. Even though my body constantly gave me the middle finger, my lungs did not. I know hospitals are overwhelmed with patients -- and nurses and doctors have been working tirelessly doing hero's work. I am glad I did not add to their stress.
And most of all I am grateful for the reminders this virus provided: First, that clarity comes from being quiet and listening to our feelings. And second, that connection is more vital to our health and happiness than we might care to admit.
In our normal lives, we're faced with a barrage of distractions -- events on a calendar, expectations of ourselves. But during this time of Covid-induced isolation -- whether you're sick or just socially distancing in your home -- we've been forced to sit still sans distraction. The clarity this can bring is more illuminating than anything I could have uncovered in my normally busy, "full" life.
When I was sick and my body came to a screeching halt, I stopped doing and started really feeling. I found myself thinking about joy ("Why don't I go to the beach way more often?!"); about my work ("I really would like to create a TV series helping empower women"); about my mother ("Mom, go get on that treadmill that has been collecting dust in your basement! I need you around a lot longer." And dammit, she finally did); and about the beautiful interdependence of my marriage ("See how good it feels to let him take care of you -- let him do this more. You don't always have to be so damn independent and self-reliant."). In the quiet of my quarantine, I was able to more purely isolate my gratitude and my values.
And one of those values is connection. Not just with my husband, but with my community, my friends, and extended family. I heard from thousands of you. Everyone from my parents, brother, aunts, current journalism colleagues, CNN boss, former boyfriends, old coworkers from every job I've ever had, my dentist, friends I haven't spoken with since college and yes, even DJ Jazzy Jeff (who'd survived a nasty dose of Covid-19 and messaged me: "So all the prayers that people sent out for me, I'm sending all your way.")
And this doesn't even begin to include all the thousands of Instagram comments and DMs -- mostly from people who have never even met me but who cared enough to selflessly send well wishes, love and prayers. Here's the truth, at first, I didn't feel worthy of all this attention and love. I'm a journalist. My resting state is giving someone else attention -- not actually receiving it. It felt... vulnerable.
But as I re-read a favorite Brené Brown book from my sick bed one day, I came upon this gem: "Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."
And I realized that sharing my own vulnerability with others online and receiving positive energy and well-wishes back brings me the gift of connection. I quickly discovered how grateful I was to all of these people showing me love. It didn't take long for me to learn to lean in and receive it. In my darker moments, I would log on to Instagram just to be lifted up by love.
It was overwhelming in a way I have never felt in my life. And it showed me how -- even when the world stops and takes a collective breath -- we're all capable of showing up for one another. And for that, I will forever be grateful.
So, yeah ... eff Covid. But also ... thank you? I wouldn't wish this virus upon anyone, but I hope as my smell and taste and some sense of normalcy start to return, that I will also hold onto the clarity and connection I found while I was so damn sick.
edition.cnn
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